+ cockatoo +

After Maccas, Woolworths Thornleigh
8:30 PM 5th July 2016

+ gone +

I had a dream that you were there,
and when I woke I thought that you were gone.
Strange.

I couldn’t tell what was reality any more; whether you had actually left and my sixth sense was hauntingly accurate, or whether I was simply overthinking out of my longing for you.

I sat there for a while.
I sat there, and let myself think that you were gone.
I was frightened, but also peculiarly at ease, because I knew that the fateful day would come eventually.

And now I sit here, fretting.
I want to call home, to know.
But I don’t want to
(know).

It makes me think that I’ve been taking things for granted all along, that phone calls are merely just a window for me to ‘relieve’ myself of my tensions and my worries. Rarely do I let the other party reciprocate that privilege.

For first time in my life do I realise how important it is to call home,
to make myself present,
for them,
and not me.

For them to know that no,
I’m here,
and not
gone.

 

+ too perfect to last +

When Lewis writes of the death of his beloved Joy in A Grief Observed, it seems frank and conclusive.

I don’t doubt that it brings him great sorrow and pain, but what hope have I when it becomes the matter of an unsaved person?

All these years I’ve been wanting that very one thing, and all these years I’ve occasionally brought it before the Lord in prayer, but where did I go wrong down the track? My heart aches, my eyes are clouded with tears of grieving, I tremble. Had He not heard all this time?

Yes, I do believe in the absolute goodness, holiness and graciousness of the Sovereign Creator.
Yes, I do believe in the Son, the perfect sacrifice without blemish whose blood was spilt at the cross so I too could cry ‘Abba’.
Yes, I do believe in the Spirit, who lives within and helps me to cry to ‘Abba.’

But for around five years, have I wanted to share my joy with my grandfather.
Five years of sitting anxiously, asking impatiently and doubting myself and God too.
Over the five years I’ve known God, He’s revealed His goodness to me over and over again. I’ve witnessed His Sovereign power at work, and I’ve been humbled by it. Prayer to me helps me step back in line with God, to not wander off my own, but to stand with God knowing that I would make it nowhere without Him. Prayer helps me direct the focus off myself and back to Him, where glory and praise belongs. Prayer helps me realise that I’m weak, selfish and full of malice whereas God is the opposite.

But what happens when I get uneasy praying, ‘Lord, Your kingdom come…’?
What happens when I think about all the people I want to see saved before Jesus’ return?
What happens if praying that just seems unfair to me?
That all those months praying for loved ones went to waste?
That God seemed to have great things on His agenda but not the things that I’m desperate for?
What happens when God seems to ignore something I so urgently want, something that is good (at least to me)?
Surely God sees my pain? How can He let me bear it any longer?

 

For all of the above, I don’t have conclusive answers, and I won’t pretend I do.
But one thing I know, and that is the fact that because of Christ, God hears me, and God wants the best for me. What is that that is the best? I don’t exactly know, but I trust that it is what it’ll take for me to become more like His Son, that I may be matured and sanctified.

In God’s Sovereign plans I trust, …or want to learn to trust.
It’s not about praying the right way, or praying long enough, praying consistently enough; rather it’s about my trust in my Abba‘s plans, that they are good, and they will bring glory to Him and Him alone. Though I may ask for good things, things that are gifts from God, I have to remember that they are gifts too, and that they shouldn’t distract me from or detract glory from my Abba. Though it pains me to keep wanting the same things, to feel this burden, to be disappointed and discouraged, I know that I can have hope in my Abba‘s plans.

Be it another couple of months, another couple of years, or not at all…
Let me trust in my Abba alone.

+ iPad fun +

Had fun playing around with the iPad Mini my grandpa received for Christmas. I usually don’t celebrate the possession of a new gadget, but I guess it’s what I can make the most of it that’s important.

I really hate the knowledge of one day that he’ll leave me, and that I won’t really have anything of him left besides my memories of him, the photos and the things he own. I don’t think there has been a greater man in my life, and it just makes me realise all the more of the importance of the Gospel of Jesus Christ so that we know that death isn’t the end – it’s only the tiniest, most insignificant fraction of eternity.

I don’t know how many days I have left with him, how he will leave me… I can only hope God will bring me courage to speak to him about Jesus before it’s too late.

+ fears +

Dear Lord,

Let this be an honest prayer from my heart.
Lord, you know this heart like none other, you know my deepest desires and deepest fears. I pray that you will really work with my grandpa today, that you will shine the light of your grace in his heart. I pray that you will do remarkable things, that you will be able to use this opportunity and transform his life.

Lord, you know what I get anxious about, what things trouble me and irritate me. You know, Lord, how much my heart aches when I see people each day that do not know your unconditional love for them. Lord, dress me in your armour*, so that I can be a servant for you.

On Friday at prayer meeting during lunch, I sensed that you wanted me to address all of our fears. And even though I may not have done a great job in terms of organising it, thank you for letting me realise that we are so incredibly weak without you. I have realised that it is because of our fears that we pray. Everyone seems to be so scared of identifying ourselves with you, and I pray that this will no longer be so.

I pray that you will give us the courage to proclaim your name from the tops of mountains, from the tallest of buildings. Wash away our fears of feeling alone, feeling like the only one in this world. Turn our lives from inside-out. Cleanse our hearts from the impurities from this world, and give us strength to identify in you and nothing alone. Let our boast be of Christ and nothing else.

I pray that you will give me strength the next morning, and remove all my fears of this world, to know that you are with me for eternity.

Amen.

 

* [ EPH 6 : 13 – 18 = 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. ]

+ hipster grandpa is hippsturr +

Misturr Hippsturr:

I challenge you to beat this when you’re 74.