+ funny that +

How You have a sense of humour, O Lord.

41 weeks ago, a parallel situation; we were at the cusp of falling in love, realising how much we liked each other, how sweet and intoxicating our infatuation had been –

Lord, I don’t have the strength to do this –
Jesus, I need You.

‘I honestly don’t think about you during the week.’
‘Yeah, I’ve been fine.’

Lord, be with me please…
Give me wisdom, discretion, prudence and self-control.
Help me to conduct myself in a manner worthy of the gospel.

May my actions reflect my trust in You, O Lord.
May my words and my deeds display Your might and Your work within me Lord.

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+ the only comfort +

The Only Comfort
lies in the thought that it’s better to have broken up now,
free to go our separate ways when the time comes for me to leave this place
than to be deciding
‘where to next?’
whilst still insecure and unsure about them. 

The Only Comfort
that comes with an unspeakable ache –
Comfort,
I tell myself
with a trembling lip and through gritted teeth. 

Comfort.

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+ artery +

Artery
The study of art

I don’t know where I’m at right now.
I keep wanting to go back to what is familiar, the established paths of routine, the comfort and the habits that I know.
I want rest and I want assurance that somehow, everything would sort itself out.

But I’m too impatient, too insecure.
Too anxious to let things unfold in God’s timing, yet too ashamed to bring my brokenness before God.

Lord, I’ve been running from You and just when I thought I finally took the right turn, I found myself back on the highway running away from You, clinging onto what I know.
Lord, I know You have great plans for me; that in Your infinite love and wisdom, You have provided for me and You assure me of sovereignty in every circumstance.

Lord, I know I shouldn’t be counting down – so please help me to not do so.
I know I shouldn’t be comparing; so please help me fix my eyes on You and to guard my heart.
There are so many things that play with my mind. So many possibilities and things to covet.
But Lord, would You faithfully show Yourself to be my Delight?

I keep thinking about the physical comfort that I know, the pleasure that I feel with him.
But I know I’m filled with my own insecurities; my need to know, my desire to have things work out perfectly and easily, my need to overachieve and impress.
But Lord, You have not called me to serve these idols; so would You help me slay these so that I may live in the freedom of Christ!

Lord I long to know Your comfort, Your embrace and Your refuge.
Lord, would You reveal Yourself to me; would You help my unbelief. Would You dispel the burdens in my heart and help me to walk without growing weary.

Father, will You be the strength of my heart? And the sustenance of my soul?
Lord, I yearn to be able to hear You speak; to listen to the softness of the Spirit, to know Your company and Your faithfulness.
Lord, I ask that You would give me wisdom, to be my vision, that I may not live for myself and my idols, but to submit to You.

Lord, I trust that You will deal with the insecurities of my weak heart in due time;
My need to feel good enough, my need to be enough, to do enough. Pretty enough, smart enough, fast enough, likeable enough, funny enough, caring enough, nice enough, talented enough.
Lord, would You show me how deeply You love me and have loved me and will love me?
Lord, would Your grace be sufficient for me; that I may lean on Your sweet grace from one day to the next.

Lord, I ask that You may resolve the messiness in my troubled heart and mind.
I know that You have asked me to seek first Your kingdom and Your righteousness and all else shall me added unto me.
So Lord, help me to trust that You are enough; that I need this time to restore my relationship with You, that I would grow in my intimacy with You in this season.

Lord, may You give me Your grace for the days ahead.
Be Thou my vision
O Lord of my heart
Nought be all else to me
Save that Thou art
Thou my best thought by day or by night
Waking or sleeping Thy presence my Light.

Be Thou my wisdom and Thy my true Word
I ever with Thee and Thou with me Lord!
Thou my great Father and I Thy true Son,
Thou in me dwelling and I with Thee one.

Riches I heed not nor man’s empty praise
Thou mine inheritance now and always!
Thou and Thou only the first in my heart
High King of heaven my treasure Thou art

O God be my everything, be my delight
Be Jesus my glory, my soul satisfied.

High King of heaven my victory won!
Heart of my own heart whatever befall
Still be my vision O Ruler of all

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+ static +

Lord,
He’s with me around the clock now, and I’m growing wearier of his presence.
I wish I could say I am more in love with him than ever, but the magical dust is wearing off now. I see his flaws, I see his features and his habits more clearly; I’m starting to see him as he really is.

Lord,
Seven months and feeling static.
I don’t know what to do around him; I don’t know whether or not to use endearments if I don’t feel endearing towards him.
I wish I could have the old days back; the months of effortless chatter, the months without resentment and bitterness.

I wish I could be more sure, Lord.
But why aren’t I?

It feels like I’m just holding on by a few threads; that I’m just waiting for the right time to cut them and let myself drop.
I’m not happy; I find reasons upon reasons that feed my discontentment.
Each time I walk with him, I feel uneasy because my subconscious compares him – well, us – to those around me.

Lord,
I know I won’t ever find the perfect ‘one’. But teach me to be patiently waiting.
Teach me wisdom, give me guidance, teach my heart to obey its Maker.
Lord,
Grow me in patience. Grow me in grace.
Teach me to seek and serve You.

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+ unwanting +

I’m sorry I’m not coming to you as I ought to.
In the shower doubts filled my mind again. Only two hours ago I thought I found some kind of reassurance. I guess it’s gone now. 

How do I know?
Really, how will I know?

I hate this insecurity, this dread that I’ll be paying for this later on – paying for this indecision, for this tossing back and forth. 

I promised that I would write you; but I find myself unwanting to. I wish I had a compelling desire to, but maybe it’s just a desire to want things from you rather than a selfless willingness to give on my part.
I’m aware that I’m always calculative; always making sure that I’m not losing out on anything and I know it’s unhealthy, selfish and pitiful.

I’m sorry.
I’m so sorry for letting you down.
I didn’t mean for this to happen. But maybe it’s a sign that we’re just not working out…?

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+ gratitude +

Lord,
How you have blessed me this week!
Despite all the tumultuous thoughts, the chaos that is my emotional perception of things, the uncertainties and frustrations – I am learning that You are sovereignly powerful amidst everything. 

Lord,
Though I have questions, fears and doubts, give me wisdom and patience. Let me wait upon You, let me draw near to the fount of grace and wisdom.
Though I may feel like everything is out of place and feel foolishly entitled to something better, give me the hope of receiving only Your best. May You give me insight into Your generous heart and how You lovingly discipline me.
Teach me to be watchful over my ways, guide me so that I may follow Your majesty.

Teach me gratitude, grow the small seedlings of gratitude that You have planted in my heart. 

+ observership +

Yay, it’s your last day! Finally! 
It’s definitely been an interesting couple of months; from planning your observership to finally completing it. 

I’m so glad that what started off essentially as a ‘I’ll just get this over and done with, I’ll settle for whatever’ became such a rewarding and enjoyable experience for you.
God has truly been generous throughout it all. 
All the facepalm cringey moments of the process has only made it more memorable: your matchless ability to procrastinate, the times we ‘failed’ to find preceptors, and just silly things that have happened while you were there (my car camping, the right arm rolled sleeve tan, my waiting in the car, the ‘wedding’ at that restaurant 🤔).
I’m so glad that things worked out so well; the car getting fixed, me enjoying my time in the area, and on some days you seemed so fulfilled being there and learning. 

Those weeks after our exams up until I left were the happiest weeks all year for me. 

As much as I resented the fact that you’d be occupied during the day, somehow we made it work. I’m so glad that you were willing to stay on the Coast and drive up just for me.
I loved waking up with (well, after) you, seeing you get dressed so diligently (except the 1 week sock rotation, you need to fix that) and leaving with you in the morning, trying to work out where we last parked.
I loved the small moments at the petrol station, when I’d fill up and you’d strut in and come out with a Monster and protein bar, flashing a goofy grin. I loved seeing you set up everything, insisting that you needed to ‘get used to the routine’. I don’t even remember what we talked about, but that doesn’t matter.
I loved waiting around, preoccupying myself with silly things and thoughts, exploring new places whilst anticipating the sniff sniffs that I’d get when I’d pick you up. 

I loved hearing you tell me about the things you learnt, the people you met and mostly, hearing you dream about your own future.
I loved driving you back too, and watching you nap (always slouched and arms splayed). I loved knowing that I could take care of you in a small way, knowing that we would do more things once we were home. 
I loved how even though you were tired, you’d insist on playing games with me, (I’ll beat you in Battle Line one day) and make sure that I was fine too. 
Watching you and being with you as you went through those first two weeks made me admire you so much more. I saw a responsible H, a disciplined H, and a H that I could grow to love more and more. 
Even though we slipped up and fell into temptations, I hope from now that we won’t give up easily – persevering in godliness and faithfulness. I promise that I’ll keep trying even when things look bleak and unhopeful. 

I miss you so much, and I’m so so proud of you. 

🙃

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+ light and salt – matthew 5:1-16 +

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.
Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.
Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on My account.
Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in Heaven, for so they persecuted the Prophets who were before you.

You are the salt of the earth, but if salt has lost its taste, how shall its saltiness be restored?
It is no longer good for anything except to be thrown out and trampled under people’s feet.

You are the light of the world.
A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house.
In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in Heaven.

Matthew 5:1-16 ESV

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+ honey broke +

‘Hey, one of your containers broke…’
‘Which one?’
‘The one with your honey?’
‘Oh.’

Just as I was lying on my bed, upset.

It was definitely my fault –
But I’m much to proud to admit it to myself, never mind to him.

And as I lay there; all these doubts and insecurities flooded my thoughts.

Why isn’t it easier? Why does it have to be so difficult?
It seems like we get into disagreements every week;
Would things just be simpler if we weren’t?

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+ placed +

Lord,

I’m anxious over where You have appointed me to go –
In a very real and ‘immediate’ sense.

Though I somewhat knew what I was signing up for when I put in my preferences, that the worst case scenario would be needing to go to T. Lord, I pray that You may help me to be content with what You have appointed, that I may still rejoice in Your goodness and providence.

Lord, thank You for placing A with me there too, and thank You for his support, encouragement and comfort within the last hour. I’m glad that You have given me a friendship with him and how we have come to trust each other.
Lord, thank You for his wisdom in the positive things about the timing of our placements, how it’s not all bad news and how it might even alleviate stresses if we make the most out of it.
Father, in Your Sovereignty, help us to strengthen our friendship, and Lord, may I be a witness to him in the Lord Jesus. Please open up those conversations for us in the future.

Lord, I’m fearful and anxious over this place; that I wouldn’t be able to relate well with the others that are going to the same location. Lord, would You help me to put aside that anxiety and help me to love and care for them as You would want me to; putting aside selfishness, malice and anger.

Lord, thank You for J and G –
Thank You for their example, their faithfulness, their joy and love for You. Lord, may You use this placement to strengthen our relationship, that You may help us to invest into each other’s lives and to grow each other in love and holiness.
Lord, help me to trust in Your sovereignty above all things.

Lord, thank You for Your wisdom, Your steadfast love and loving kindness.
Chesed.

Your ways are great, and You are greatly to be praised.
Father, help Your Servant to see this and to give You the honour, praise and glory that You rightfully deserve.
Lord, help me not to be distracted about this, but to be comforted by Your plans for me.
Help me to surrender my control and to lean wholly on You.

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