+ static +

He’s with me around the clock now, and I’m growing wearier of his presence.
I wish I could say I am more in love with him than ever, but the magical dust is wearing off now. I see his flaws, I see his features and his habits more clearly; I’m starting to see him as he really is.

Seven months and feeling static.
I don’t know what to do around him; I don’t know whether or not to use endearments if I don’t feel endearing towards him.
I wish I could have the old days back; the months of effortless chatter, the months without resentment and bitterness.

I wish I could be more sure, Lord.
But why aren’t I?

It feels like I’m just holding on by a few threads; that I’m just waiting for the right time to cut them and let myself drop.
I’m not happy; I find reasons upon reasons that feed my discontentment.
Each time I walk with him, I feel uneasy because my subconscious compares him – well, us – to those around me.

I know I won’t ever find the perfect ‘one’. But teach me to be patiently waiting.
Teach me wisdom, give me guidance, teach my heart to obey its Maker.
Grow me in patience. Grow me in grace.
Teach me to seek and serve You.

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+ unwanting +

I’m sorry I’m not coming to you as I ought to.
In the shower doubts filled my mind again. Only two hours ago I thought I found some kind of reassurance. I guess it’s gone now. 

How do I know?
Really, how will I know?

I hate this insecurity, this dread that I’ll be paying for this later on – paying for this indecision, for this tossing back and forth. 

I promised that I would write you; but I find myself unwanting to. I wish I had a compelling desire to, but maybe it’s just a desire to want things from you rather than a selfless willingness to give on my part.
I’m aware that I’m always calculative; always making sure that I’m not losing out on anything and I know it’s unhealthy, selfish and pitiful.

I’m sorry.
I’m so sorry for letting you down.
I didn’t mean for this to happen. But maybe it’s a sign that we’re just not working out…?

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+ gratitude +

How you have blessed me this week!
Despite all the tumultuous thoughts, the chaos that is my emotional perception of things, the uncertainties and frustrations – I am learning that You are sovereignly powerful amidst everything. 

Though I have questions, fears and doubts, give me wisdom and patience. Let me wait upon You, let me draw near to the fount of grace and wisdom.
Though I may feel like everything is out of place and feel foolishly entitled to something better, give me the hope of receiving only Your best. May You give me insight into Your generous heart and how You lovingly discipline me.
Teach me to be watchful over my ways, guide me so that I may follow Your majesty.

Teach me gratitude, grow the small seedlings of gratitude that You have planted in my heart. 


+ observership +

Yay, it’s your last day! Finally! 
It’s definitely been an interesting couple of months; from planning your observership to finally completing it. 

I’m so glad that what started off essentially as a ‘I’ll just get this over and done with, I’ll settle for whatever’ became such a rewarding and enjoyable experience for you.
God has truly been generous throughout it all. 
All the facepalm cringey moments of the process has only made it more memorable: your matchless ability to procrastinate, the times we ‘failed’ to find preceptors, and just silly things that have happened while you were there (my car camping, the right arm rolled sleeve tan, my waiting in the car, the ‘wedding’ at that restaurant 🤔).
I’m so glad that things worked out so well; the car getting fixed, me enjoying my time in the area, and on some days you seemed so fulfilled being there and learning. 

Those weeks after our exams up until I left were the happiest weeks all year for me. 

As much as I resented the fact that you’d be occupied during the day, somehow we made it work. I’m so glad that you were willing to stay on the Coast and drive up just for me.
I loved waking up with (well, after) you, seeing you get dressed so diligently (except the 1 week sock rotation, you need to fix that) and leaving with you in the morning, trying to work out where we last parked.
I loved the small moments at the petrol station, when I’d fill up and you’d strut in and come out with a Monster and protein bar, flashing a goofy grin. I loved seeing you set up everything, insisting that you needed to ‘get used to the routine’. I don’t even remember what we talked about, but that doesn’t matter.
I loved waiting around, preoccupying myself with silly things and thoughts, exploring new places whilst anticipating the sniff sniffs that I’d get when I’d pick you up. 

I loved hearing you tell me about the things you learnt, the people you met and mostly, hearing you dream about your own future.
I loved driving you back too, and watching you nap (always slouched and arms splayed). I loved knowing that I could take care of you in a small way, knowing that we would do more things once we were home. 
I loved how even though you were tired, you’d insist on playing games with me, (I’ll beat you in Battle Line one day) and make sure that I was fine too. 
Watching you and being with you as you went through those first two weeks made me admire you so much more. I saw a responsible H, a disciplined H, and a H that I could grow to love more and more. 
Even though we slipped up and fell into temptations, I hope from now that we won’t give up easily – persevering in godliness and faithfulness. I promise that I’ll keep trying even when things look bleak and unhopeful. 

I miss you so much, and I’m so so proud of you. 


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+ light and salt – matthew 5:1-16 +

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.
Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.
Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on My account.
Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in Heaven, for so they persecuted the Prophets who were before you.

You are the salt of the earth, but if salt has lost its taste, how shall its saltiness be restored?
It is no longer good for anything except to be thrown out and trampled under people’s feet.

You are the light of the world.
A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house.
In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in Heaven.

Matthew 5:1-16 ESV

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+ honey broke +

‘Hey, one of your containers broke…’
‘Which one?’
‘The one with your honey?’

Just as I was lying on my bed, upset.

It was definitely my fault –
But I’m much to proud to admit it to myself, never mind to him.

And as I lay there; all these doubts and insecurities flooded my thoughts.

Why isn’t it easier? Why does it have to be so difficult?
It seems like we get into disagreements every week;
Would things just be simpler if we weren’t?

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+ placed +


I’m anxious over where You have appointed me to go –
In a very real and ‘immediate’ sense.

Though I somewhat knew what I was signing up for when I put in my preferences, that the worst case scenario would be needing to go to T. Lord, I pray that You may help me to be content with what You have appointed, that I may still rejoice in Your goodness and providence.

Lord, thank You for placing A with me there too, and thank You for his support, encouragement and comfort within the last hour. I’m glad that You have given me a friendship with him and how we have come to trust each other.
Lord, thank You for his wisdom in the positive things about the timing of our placements, how it’s not all bad news and how it might even alleviate stresses if we make the most out of it.
Father, in Your Sovereignty, help us to strengthen our friendship, and Lord, may I be a witness to him in the Lord Jesus. Please open up those conversations for us in the future.

Lord, I’m fearful and anxious over this place; that I wouldn’t be able to relate well with the others that are going to the same location. Lord, would You help me to put aside that anxiety and help me to love and care for them as You would want me to; putting aside selfishness, malice and anger.

Lord, thank You for J and G –
Thank You for their example, their faithfulness, their joy and love for You. Lord, may You use this placement to strengthen our relationship, that You may help us to invest into each other’s lives and to grow each other in love and holiness.
Lord, help me to trust in Your sovereignty above all things.

Lord, thank You for Your wisdom, Your steadfast love and loving kindness.

Your ways are great, and You are greatly to be praised.
Father, help Your Servant to see this and to give You the honour, praise and glory that You rightfully deserve.
Lord, help me not to be distracted about this, but to be comforted by Your plans for me.
Help me to surrender my control and to lean wholly on You.

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+ for them +

It struck the other day how much that I need to be praying;
not only for myself, for bigger things, but for my friends.

So much has happened in the last couple of days and over the last couple of weeks and months. And my prayers definitely don’t mirror them.
If my prayers were to be ‘logs’ of my life and the little things day to day; if you added all the details and filed them into a ‘memoir’ of some sort, they definitely would not capture the range of my experiences over the past few months. I wish I were better at journalling – at recording the details of my life, but journalling without bringing them before my Lord is meaningless and in vain.

I wish that I could say I was a prayerful person, that I was known as a prayerful and faithful person.
Not by people that would say it to flatter me, but people that know me well enough to know my faults and my ‘uglies’.

I wish that since first year, I had been praying constantly for a handful of friends.
I wish I could say that I was faithful in uplifting those that I loved before my King.
I wish I could say that I was diligent in repenting over my sins; my many sins of irritability, of impatience, of anxiety, of idolatry and of ungodliness – so that I could love and trust God better and serve my neighbours better.
I wish I could say that I constantly encouraged others to pray, and likewise asked for how I could be praying for them.
I wish I could say that I was consistent in coming to God with all my fears and worries rather than internalising them in my pride and grumbling about circumstances beyond my control.
I wish that I had more conviction in the power of prayer and set time aside to pray each day rather than let it become a secondary thought.
I wish that I gave thanks more, that I realigned my priorities with that of God’s.


Help Your servant to pray.
Help Your servant to delight in prayer.
Help her to long to be praying to You, to help her see that prayer shapes her perspective and is powerful Lord.

Help your servant to understand that You are Sovereign, and Your will is to be done – not hers. For Your will is far greater, far richer and far more glorious than what any mortal could ever conceive of.
Father, thank You for how You love us so – that You have welcomed us as Your own, to have washed away our sins and sorrows and given us Your Spirit. Help Your servant to be drawing near to You Lord, to be listening to Your Spirit as He speaks, to be praying for her friends, her family, and her enemies.

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+ quest 12 +

I’m sorry to have made you upset. You know that I love and care for you a lot.
Or at least I hope that you do.

I’m sorry that I’m not great at getting across my thoughts and explaining my emotions and how I feel about things. This may sound like an excuse, but it’s just how I’ve turned out to be and it’s something that I learn to put up with. Not that I think it’s something that I don’t want to work on, but it is something in a way that I have come to accept about myself.

My dear,
How do I tell or show you that I’m trying my best?
How do I tell or show you that I am, to the best of my knowledge and to the best of my ability, committing my affections and my thoughts to our Lord?
How do I tell or show you that I want to be waiting upon God and to be trusting Him despite being fickle?
How do I tell or show you that these matters to me the most; even though it might be hard and testing for you and also for me?

I know that I have things about me that you don’t like or you wish weren’t so, but your inability to be patient with me as I try to be faithful to God and to you is hurtful and frankly, frustrating.

I wish I didn’t have these issues either; and I know you don’t like to hear about them, and I know that they worry you because of how they’ve hurt you in the past.
But shall I not remind you to keep trusting in God? I know that you do; but our relationship is in His hands, and when I don’t see that you are praying with and for me about these things, it makes me uneasy. I don’t mean to belittle you or continue in resentment as I say these things, but in a way, I say these things out of concern; perhaps you have made me an idol and you wouldn’t admit it?

Even then, know that I’ll be praying; that we would both be submitting to our Father in heaven that loves us.
You are precious to me, my dear, and I don’t want our pride and stubbornness to come in the way of something that could be of immense joy for us both.

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+ quest 7 +


I feel sick.

I don’t know whether it’s something that I’ve eaten today, or whether it’s a symptom of an underlying problem; of a sin that needs to be dealt with and my mind, soul and body is now experiencing grief because of it.

What do I do?

I don’t even know where to begin.
Everything has been smooth sailing up until now; from the gentle caresses to the tender words that we have exchanged with each other. Lord, You know how much I trust him, and I’m thankful for a companion like him. But have we stepped incorrectly somewhere?

Have I lost something? Am I experiencing the grief for it though I may not know for what I am grieving? (Could it be my purity? My heart for You, Lord? That I have forsaken You in my pursuit of something good, but fleeting and unfulfilling?)


I find it so hard to think straight; the lack of sleep from the previous night, the hormones through my veins, the pounding headache as I try and work out my thoughts. I don’t know if it’s one of those things or all of those things; not to mention the stress from the semester and the fears of being unable to meet expectations.

Lord God,

Where are you?
What am I meant to be learning? What am I meant to be thinking?

I’ve invested so much emotionally and physically in him that this sudden doubt and discontentment has taken me aback.

Lord, is this your way of keeping me in check?

I have no appetite, no delight in anything (for now at least) and it’s terrifying me.
It’s like I’m slipping back into those dreadful dark days in 2015; o Lord, please don’t let it be…


I’m scared, I’m weak and I feel ashamed.
I need Your comfort more than ever, Your strength and support more than I think I need it. Lord, I know You comfort Your children; Father, hear my cries now.

You have kept count of my tossings;
put my tears in your bottle.
Are they not in your book?

Lord, what is it?
Speak to me; the one thing that I’m most afraid of is not being able to hear Your voice.
Lord, help me to see You, to humble myself that I may run to You and seek You.


Forgive my ignorance, for my disobedience and my foolishness.
Guide me in the ways of the righteous; of obedience, of faith and justice.
Lord, help me to discern and boldly act upon what is right with self-control and dependence. Make my heart steadfast, purify my thoughts and help me to glorify You in my actions and in my speech.


Give me wisdom, give me a heart that listens for You.

Comfort me Lord, help me to understand what’s going on through my mind.
Deliver me from darkness and temptation Lord, give me the self-control to resist evils so that my heart won’t be hardened to sin.


Work in my heart to soften it; You know what it is that is causing me to stumble and Lord, may you deal with it as You may. Father give me the faith to trust You in Your wise sovereign ways.
Be my refuge in this storm; let me hide in the shadow of your wings.

Holy God, hold my heart, and let me trust You in my fears.
Help me discern whether these feelings are honorable; Lord, let me trust You nonetheless.

“Hear me, you who know what is right,
you people who have my law in your hearts:
Do not fear the reproach of men
or be terrified by their insults.
For the moth will eat them up like a garment;
the worm will devour them like wool.
But my righteousness will last for ever,
my salvation through all generations.”

Awake, awake! Clothe yourself with strength,
O arm of the LORD;

awake, as in days gone by,
as in generations of old.
Was it not You who cut Rahab to pieces,
who pierced that monster through?
Was it not You who dried up the sea,
the waters of the great deep,
Who made a road in the depths of the sea
so that the redeemed might cross over?

The ransomed of the LORD will return.
They will enter Zion with singing;
everlasting joy will crown their heads.
Gladness and joy will overtake them,
and sorrow and sighing will flee away.

“I, even I, am he who comforts you,
Who are you that you fear mortal man,
the sons of men, who are but grass,
that you forget the LORD your Maker,
Who stretched out the heavens 
and laid the foundations of the earth,
that you live in constant terror every day
because of the wrath of the oppressor,
who is bent on destruction?
For where is the wrath of the oppressor?”

* Psalm 56:8 ESV, Isaiah 51:7-13 NIV

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