I feel sick.
I don’t know whether it’s something that I’ve eaten today, or whether it’s a symptom of an underlying problem; of a sin that needs to be dealt with and my mind, soul and body is now experiencing grief because of it.
What do I do?
I don’t even know where to begin.
Everything has been smooth sailing up until now; from the gentle caresses to the tender words that we have exchanged with each other. Lord, You know how much I trust him, and I’m thankful for a companion like him. But have we stepped incorrectly somewhere?
Have I lost something? Am I experiencing the grief for it though I may not know for what I am grieving? (Could it be my purity? My heart for You, Lord? That I have forsaken You in my pursuit of something good, but fleeting and unfulfilling?)
I find it so hard to think straight; the lack of sleep from the previous night, the hormones through my veins, the pounding headache as I try and work out my thoughts. I don’t know if it’s one of those things or all of those things; not to mention the stress from the semester and the fears of being unable to meet expectations.
Where are you?
What am I meant to be learning? What am I meant to be thinking?
I’ve invested so much emotionally and physically in him that this sudden doubt and discontentment has taken me aback.
Lord, is this your way of keeping me in check?
I have no appetite, no delight in anything (for now at least) and it’s terrifying me.
It’s like I’m slipping back into those dreadful dark days in 2015; o Lord, please don’t let it be…
I’m scared, I’m weak and I feel ashamed.
I need Your comfort more than ever, Your strength and support more than I think I need it. Lord, I know You comfort Your children; Father, hear my cries now.
You have kept count of my tossings;
put my tears in your bottle.
Are they not in your book?
Lord, what is it?
Speak to me; the one thing that I’m most afraid of is not being able to hear Your voice.
Lord, help me to see You, to humble myself that I may run to You and seek You.
Forgive my ignorance, for my disobedience and my foolishness.
Guide me in the ways of the righteous; of obedience, of faith and justice.
Lord, help me to discern and boldly act upon what is right with self-control and dependence. Make my heart steadfast, purify my thoughts and help me to glorify You in my actions and in my speech.
Give me wisdom, give me a heart that listens for You.
Comfort me Lord, help me to understand what’s going on through my mind.
Deliver me from darkness and temptation Lord, give me the self-control to resist evils so that my heart won’t be hardened to sin.
Work in my heart to soften it; You know what it is that is causing me to stumble and Lord, may you deal with it as You may. Father give me the faith to trust You in Your wise sovereign ways.
Be my refuge in this storm; let me hide in the shadow of your wings.
Holy God, hold my heart, and let me trust You in my fears.
Help me discern whether these feelings are honorable; Lord, let me trust You nonetheless.
“Hear me, you who know what is right,
you people who have my law in your hearts:
Do not fear the reproach of men
or be terrified by their insults.
For the moth will eat them up like a garment;
the worm will devour them like wool.
But my righteousness will last for ever,
my salvation through all generations.”
Awake, awake! Clothe yourself with strength,
O arm of the LORD;
awake, as in days gone by,
as in generations of old.
Was it not You who cut Rahab to pieces,
who pierced that monster through?
Was it not You who dried up the sea,
the waters of the great deep,
Who made a road in the depths of the sea
so that the redeemed might cross over?
The ransomed of the LORD will return.
They will enter Zion with singing;
everlasting joy will crown their heads.
Gladness and joy will overtake them,
and sorrow and sighing will flee away.
“I, even I, am he who comforts you,
Who are you that you fear mortal man,
the sons of men, who are but grass,
that you forget the LORD your Maker,
Who stretched out the heavens
and laid the foundations of the earth,
that you live in constant terror every day
because of the wrath of the oppressor,
who is bent on destruction?
For where is the wrath of the oppressor?”
* Psalm 56:8 ESV, Isaiah 51:7-13 NIV