+ early morning pre-op sentiments +

2016 feels like such a dull year.
At least last year there was a thrill of meeting guys and thinking about potentially finding someone to date, but this year has actually just slipped right through and we’re already at the end of the year…

I remember this time last year there was (pondering upon) the German exchange student, (dodging) 1605 and the awkward Ph.D. guy and this year…  nothing?
I wonder what I even did during this year besides watch endless documentaries on YouTube and letting anger boil towards Trump. Also seemed like I spent the whole year observing couples with a yearning for companionship; TT and BB, 77 and 32, my friends at church and in Sydney…

It also feels as if this year has been a year of running away and avoiding.
I can barely remember the ‘exhaustion’ from tedious days at uni and I regret not having made those memories I promised I would make…
Not making the time to invest in my character and my relationship with God.

Feel as if this year I played too many games with people only to find that they were foolish and unfruitful.
Feel as if this year set off with high hopes and PUMPED with aspirations that dwindled miserably into nothingness.

How did I let time make the most of me, yet again?

I don’t want to make my uni days flat and dull. If things are bland and all too similar, we will only end up forgetting the days of our youth.

Feel as if my distancing away from 5114 hasn’t led me anywhere, hasn’t grown me or compelled me to do something about the ‘situation’ (being my feelings for him coalesced with childish, unnecessary resentment).
I’ve let them sit there in my mind for way too long and yet I have no idea still what I’m meant or going to do about them. It’s the old dirty sofa in the lounge room that you know you should dispose of but you don’t mind having it there to stare at for a while longer.
Even when I ‘decide’ to do something about/with him, my mind flips the switch almost instantly it’s frustrating and bizarre.

 

At the same time I’ve seen God’s gracious work in my heart; how He has taught me what it means to surrender certain things and to be generous; bit by bit, slowly and surely.
I’m still atrocious at loving people and my spirit is still far from submissive and gentle.

Who I want to be is a woman I can vaguely see in the distance;
and yet there’s quite a long journey for me to get there, for me to become her.
I haven’t quite figured out how I’ll become her, or how I will sojourn; but I hope that the difference/distance wouldn’t intimidate me, but instead encourage and inspire me.

+ betraying +

Lord,

I pray that you would change my heart. Help me to be bold. Help to live so all might see that the strength to live for you could never come from me.

Father,

Help me to see my own sin. To see my unnecessary resentment, to see my self pity and to cease it all; because it isn’t helping anyone and it isn’t glorifying.

Father,

Forgive me for the times I have done things out of spite, out of sin and not out of faith.

Father,

Forgive me for the times that I bring others down and fill my heart with bitterness.

Lord,

Would you help me see that I am free from all of this.

Lord,

Would you help me see that I am free to live by grace; that I am no longer held captive to the ways of the world; hating one another and being hated.

Father,

Help me to live for peace, to humbly battle through the conflict, to know that you are with me in Spirit all the way. Help me to see that You change hearts, and that there can be forgiveness and reconciliation.

Lord,

Would you help me to remove bitterness from my heart; because I know I cannot do this with my own strength.

Lord,

Would you guard my heart and my lips too; that they may not speak malice or slander. Fill my mouth with instruction; with wisdom and knowledge – with truth.

Lord,

Let nothing false be found on my lips; would you touch my lips with a flaming coal from your glorious altar; that I would come to hate my sin because I am in love with all that you are.

Father,

Help me now. Hear my cry!

+ knock some sense into your head +

You need to get a hold of yourself.
Get your things together and just start.

Start doing, start creating.
Start learning, start appreciating.
Start listening, start understanding.
Start working, start achieving.

Start caring, start loving.
Start forgiving, start cherishing.
Start remembering, start serving.
Start reflecting, start adjusting.
Start praying, start growing.
Start hoping, start aspiring.

Just start, it’ll take you somewhere.
Even if it means it’ll make a fool of yourself, it’s better than to stand still and to compare.

Give yourself the space to grow; that also means the space to make mistakes, room to pick yourself up and to forgive yourself. Be gentle with yourself, not necessarily because others won’t be, but you can’t expect it from others at all times. You need to be responsible for yourself.

Love yourself; love yourself in the right way.
Anyone can be taught self-esteem, and you’re only starting your journey in becoming comfortable in your own skin. It’s not having an inflated, egotistic view of yourself, but having confidence in the fact that you are worthy and that you are beloved — especially by the Most High, who gave Himself at the Cross for you.
Look to grace, and stop wallowing in self-pity and bitterness.

Stop comparing yourself to what is around you; it’ll only make you one of two things; discouraged or vain.
Christ instead calls us to look to God. He commands us to not only love God, but also to love our neighbours as ourselves. (Mark 12:30-31) How does this look like? It means to care for someone as much as you would care for yourself, and to go beyond that. It means to be generous and gracious. It means to love and think of someone’s needs as much as you think of your own.

Finally, pray that you will be able to reconcile these seemingly conflicting ideas.
Pray for wisdom, for humility and for action. Deadlines are cracking down, times ahead appear bleak. Find strength in Christ, so that you may boast in Him and celebrate that you can be counted as one of His saints.

+ suffocating +

I need reassurance, because I can feel it coming back.
It’s suffocating.

I know my triggers, but I’m too ashamed to tell anyone, to afraid that once I admit them, everyone would be disgusted with me and simply desert me. If there’s anywhere to admit them, it’d be here, or in my journal; but with the latter it’s a greater effort to fill out a whole page than to just type up a blog post.

So here they are:

• when I’m not invited
• when a friend has a close friend that I don’t like
• when a friend becomes closer with another friend
• when the friend pursues someone better than me

They’re all self-conceited, selfish and unnecessary things that buzz around, that make me jealous, that make me bitter, possessive (more than I already am) and at worst, pull me into a pit of anxiety and despair.

I know that it’s not possible to have everything your way; that there’ll be challenges in life and milestones with which God tests the house of cards which is your heart. I know that comparing myself with others won’t do anything but make matters worse, but I’m inclined to it, and as much as I am ashamed of these things, I’d be lying if I’d tell you that I could live without being bound by the above.

This year has been a year of being alone, a year of watching from the sidelines as a friend pursues another, of lusting after many, of despising the flourish of friendships, and undoubtedly; of turning away from the Father that loves me.

Forgive these foolish ramblings of mine.
I wish I was stronger too, but unleashing this darkness is the only way I see fit to overcome it.

This year I’ve experienced the most tension with friendship groups within the cohort. Yes, they are nice people, yes, they must be fun to be around, but what am I lacking? What sets me apart from them? Why can’t I just be adored and adorned like they are?
Surely, everyone must have their flaws and insecurities, but how do they seem to be so …without such? How are they still so effortless, so desirable and so happen to be the very subject of my envy? It only gets worse when there are group conversations involved…
Even beyond the constants; that during a six week programme where cliques and friendships were formed… I feel terribly weak without a group, without a backbone, without messaging circles, without updates.

Close friends – It almost seems as if last year was all butterflies and rainbows compared to the torrential downpour that wouldn’t let up this year.
Ever since the incident with HH, I’ve never felt so sure about friends, friends of friends and intentions in friendships. While I’ve met great friends of friends, I’ve also come across lesser-great friends of friends; friends of different values, of different tastes and personalities.
My sense of self-entitlement has only grown proportionally with the number of new people I’ve met, as if the number of people I meet are to be an subject of impression; that my friends are to hold me closer still. Oh, what nonsense.
The only thought that’s kept me going is the realisation that friendship is a gift; that while I am far from perfect and far from selfless and altruistic, friendship is a display of grace from another. That they should choose to care for me, provide for me and forgive me for instances I’d rather erase. To know that while they’ve chosen them, they also chose me, despite the mess I am and make.

When friends become closer with each other; it tugs here and there, but I need to constantly remind myself that as a friend, I should want the best for them. And if seeing them together brings joy and fulfillment, then I should be glad and rejoice for them too.
Even if that means I’ll have to slip into the background for a while, there’s really nothing that I can do about it but to trust that they still care as much as I do for each of them, and that they will still make time for me.
I must remember grace, lest my image of Christ is to be cluttered with my own intentions and a foolish sense of entitlement.

Furthermore, how could I take it when one of my closest friends chooses to pursue one of which I envy? Only to be burnt by the idyllic version of them, to be hurt and for my close friend to not have involved me?
Worse still, how could I let myself retaliate with more bitterness and resentment towards the subject of their affection? I sure am a great, supportive friend…
One distinct memory of intense bitterness when I received a text from them saying that they were going to a cafe while I was on the way to get my groceries; and for the entire hour while I shopped, I contemplated whether or not I should pass by my suspect’s place. That’s how scary I can get, and how scared of myself I am because of moments like these.

Lord, the One who knows the depths of my heart yet loves me still; would You change my heart, to shift its focus on the desires of the flesh to a desire to live for You and to glorify You. Lord, would You help me to stand out as an ambassador for righteousness, for Love, for Love displayed on the cross. Lord, would Your Spirit continue His work in me; that I may reap good fruit.

Lord, help me to remember that You are enough; that because You call me a friend in Your kingdom, because You welcome me home as a lost daughter, I am set free. Would You help to untangle me from my webs of lies, self-conceitedness and self-righteousness and instead help me to be at peace, to be joyful, to be grateful and to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus. Deliver me from temptation, and would You gently remove the traces of sin from my heart.

It’s been a tiring battle to fight by myself, and I know I’m not getting anywhere but further from You. I am weary, and I need rest. Would You let me taste afresh the mercies in Christ and let me experience the easy yoke.

Would You take over and help me fight this good fight.

+ flaws +

Jealous. Selfish. Manipulative.
Proud. Inconsiderate. Possessive.

Two very real ways that I ‘know’ myself. I know fully well that those aren’t the only flaws that I have.

I’m ashamed that I am those things, ashamed of the things that I’ve done because of these things and also the things that I am to do or have withheld from doing for the sake of protecting my own face value.

I admire people that are the opposite; how I long to be like them!
Oh, how I try! How I will to see myself taking steps in the other way, giving up the very things I take empty delight in! How I wish to look into a mirror and admire the person that has their life together and is respected and cherished.

So what if I have a change of heart when it nothing seems to come of it?
Surely a desire to be remodeled and reformed would play out in my actions?
If those actions don’t come through, have I really willed it hard enough? Has it really been willed to begin with?